Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
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Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.