“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
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ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
When you can’t find your friend Neil
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.