Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
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you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once