All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
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I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
Finally, a door that understands me
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
1st time waking up my teen: *rubs back* Hey buddy, time to get up.
2nd time: *shakes him* It’s been 5 minutes. Get up.
3rd time: *rips blanket off* Get up NOW!
4th time: *rage breathing* YOU’RE LATE!
My teen: *dramatically sits straight up* WHY DIDN’T YOU WAKE ME SOONER?!