*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
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A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.