Netflix and you sit over there.
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Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.
If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
Beware of fowl play.
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.