This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
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How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
New favorite tiktok
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.