Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
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I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”