a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
You Might Also Like
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.