Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
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at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.