me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
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To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family