What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
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Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called