If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
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I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
A drum solo but on your face.
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
Always a metermaid never a meter
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
We’ve all been there
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.