With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
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“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.