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People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
so i’m at the stock market right
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways