netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
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i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
This is a fact based meme 😏😂