Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
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I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.