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interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
i can鈥檛 believe i just spent my time editing this video
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry鈥 had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
The most dangerous game but it鈥檚 just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher鈥檚 eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I鈥檒l start going to the gym tomorrow.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.