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It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
This could be us… but you playing
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively