[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
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Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
🤣🤣
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
“What do we want?”
“Autocorrect to stop making us look stupid by changing simple words in our texts.”
“When do we want it?”
“Not!”
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
Me: Nothing like a grimey motel on a road trip. You can hit the shower first.
Friend: *later* First time I’ve taken a shower and came out dirtier than when I went in.
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.