Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?
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I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?