Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
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They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat