Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
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The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.