Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
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It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
spot the difference
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
New comic up. “Ransom”
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.