[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
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All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
😆this is so true
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
This rocks
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea