me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
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OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer