remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
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Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
Spring of Deception
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true