Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
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We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.