I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
You Might Also Like
When they try to steal your moment.
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.