At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
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how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
The French word for sex is croissant.
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids