Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
You Might Also Like
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?
KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.