This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
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People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.