I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
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Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.