Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
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Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
A leaf blower, but for people.
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.