Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
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ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
Carpe DM
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀