CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
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Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
necessity is the mother of invention
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes