Me :
All Day At Night
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Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.