Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
You Might Also Like
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good