Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
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8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
lol
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
🤣
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?