me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
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“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here