[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
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I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
The Backseat Boys
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.