a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
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My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
Why does laundry happen to good people?
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”