Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
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My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
This January has 47 Mondays
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
My son has a hard time waking up in the morning so he downloaded an obnoxious sounding alarm on his phone to ensure he wouldn’t oversleep.
So far the only people awake from it this morning are me, my husband & our neighbors.
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
was driving on the freeway and this guy was speeding like a maniac, just weavin’ around, cutting everybody off like a damn nut. and then he exits the freeway at Zoo Drive! lmao this freak just trying to get to the zoo
The game has officially changed 😎
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately