Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
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Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
Nothing.
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week