I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
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Festival
Pretzel vendor: Pretzel, fair lady?
Me: No, thank you.
PV: *clutching chest dramatically* NO pretzel? You wound me! You break my heart, m’lady. I am shattered. I am IN DESPAIR!
Me: OMG stop that! Just give me the pretzel.
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
I don’t know which is worse, people stealing your tweets or people not stealing your tweets.
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista