What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
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*bites zombie*
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
The USS B port
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
I feel seen.
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.