I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
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For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
girls literally only want one thing..
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
I am crying
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.