I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
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My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
Always the camel, never the toe.
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
Who called it a deep freeze instead of ice-o-lation?
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party