A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
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me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
coming home late…
Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
🚲+physics = winner
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
another case of gang violins
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.