Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
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Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
LOOOOOOL
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
*pokes sex life with a stick
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?